How I Encourage Independence in My Kids
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As my kids get older, I have realized that I seriously underestimated their capabilities. I wasn’t around children much before having my own so in my mind children weren’t really functioning members of the family until at least kindergarten, right?
Well, add two more kids into the pot, and the idea that none of them would help around the house until they were 5 was just not realistic. A family of five means a lot of dishes, laundry, and messes and little time for mom and dad to take a chill pill. I went to the drawing board to figure out how I can encourage my children to take on more responsibility in the house early in life.
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, “research suggests there are benefits to including chores in a child's routine as early as age 3.” In theory, this sounds great - tell the kids to pick up after themselves and call it a day. In reality, there are so many factors combating one another. Children are naturally self absorbed and living in the here and now. Explaining why things are done is a challenge when all they want is to play and get on to the next fun thing.
Here’s how I make it work in my house:
Start small with self care
I start small with basic self care tasks. Simple tasks provide opportunities for success and self care impacts them on a physical level providing tangibles for them. For all my kids, the first real introduction to being independent is making them responsible for their own water bottle. They have to bring in on outings, to the dining table, outside, etc. It is the most direct way for them to see that their actions mean something - thirst. Of course, when I see that they have forgotten it, I always grab it - I’m not a monster! But after a few minutes of thirst, they start to understand.
Songs make it fun
Remember “clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere?” That wasn’t bs. We start singing that song straight outta the womb. For the littlest kids, seeing mom and dad singing and seemingly having fun while doing a task is good for them. They think that the task is just pure fun, another game.
Progress now, perfection later
Just yesterday, my 4 year old told me that he wanted to straighten up the pantry. Music to my ears! I knew that the pantry was already tidy, so I was sure this would mean a mess in my future. But I let him think that he was really making an impact cleaning the pantry. I encouraged him and complimented his work throughout the entire process. When he was done, I could see him beaming with pride. Feeling ownership over something without a parent telling them step for step how to accomplish something is a step in the right direction. I went back and put things in order later when he couldn’t see me so that I didn’t diminish his effort.
Take time to explain what you’re doing
Sometimes I cringe when I hear my kids ask, “Why?”, all day everyday. I always try to fight through my own annoyance to fully explain the answer. For example, after we have a meal I request that my 2 and 4 year old take their plates to the sink instead of leaving them at the table. When I am undoubtedly challenged about this, I explain that this helps me when I am cleaning up. I always try to reinforce that we are all members of this family community and we can help each other.
Save allowances for older kids
Little kids don’t understand the value of a dollar. They barely know what money is! And that concept is getting harder to explain since we all use digital payment and credit cards for everything. When my kids are little, I let pride in their work be the real payment. I really push home the fact that I am so proud of X behavior. I also make sure to ask them how they feel about their behavior.
My oldest is just now starting to understand the concept of earning and the value of hardwork, so a small allowance will likely be coming in the near future. Luckily, he is fascinated by coins so that will be where we start.
If you’re still lost at where to start, below is a list of chores broken down by the age at which I have implemented them. I’ve also included some simple explanations that I offer when the kids ask why they need to do each task or ways that I make these tasks easier. Again, the point here isn’t to get these tasks done perfectly. The intention is that completing tasks and helping the household will encourage them to take on more responsibility and feel pride in themselves.
18 months - 2 years
Laundry
I have one laundry basket in the hallway that the kids have to pass on their way from their room to the kitchen. They know that their PJs from the day go in there. I also include them as I change loads from washer to dryer. That is a great time to explain how laundry works.
Picking up toys
We start this much younger, but by this age they have some autonomy. As long as we can get them about 75% of the way there, that is good enough at this age.
2 years - 3 years
Trash duty
Every bit of trash that they produce, they toss in the proper bin. This naturally leads to a conversation about reducing, reusing, and recycling. (There is a great Storybots episode about recycling on Netflix!)
Putting clean clothes away
At this age, I usually forgo the typical dresser in lieu of short and lightweight drawers from IKEA. The kids can easily reach each drawer and put their clothes in the right place.
Hot tip: Don’t worry about the folding. They won’t be able to keep everything folded as they shove the clothes in the drawer.
3 years - 4 years
Making their bed
More like pulling the blankets up, but I count it!
Dusting
We have one of those long Swiffers, so after the dusting is done it usually turns into a sword.
Wiping the table down after meal
I let them sit on the table to do it, and they get a kick out of that.
